A few weeks ago (yes, weeks) I was lying in bed.. I don't remember if I was waking or trying to go to sleep.. and you reared your ugly head.

I was 'thinking about it' again.. not sure why. I think perhaps it was in that 15 or 20 minutes or so that it takes me to fall asleep after having sex. I think I shook that night. I was trying to figure out why. I wish there was some connection - some act, or thought, or feeling that was constant to help me figure out what triggers the uncontrollable tremors that are so intrusive.

I was racking my brain as I lay there, tucked safely in his arms.

Trying to figure out if he'd done something that was done to me inappropriately by someone else.. something that is linked to memories..

Then it happened.

It was just a quick flash. Like they show in Fight Club.. when Tyler is talking about splicing films and adding in a little blip of porn to a lovely family friendly film. Just enough to make you say 'Did I just see what I...?'

I don't know what it was. I don't know where it was. But I felt it with every bit of me and just as quickly as it had flashed in my mind, I dismissed it. 'Lalalalalalalalalala!!' inside my head to prevent anything else. 'Lalalalalalalalalala!' forget 'happy thoughts', any thoughts at all right now just won't be enough to conceal you. You're too big, you're too ugly, and there you are.. all up in my face again.

They say we deny as a means of survival. If we didn't, we'd probably all be dead. Because we just would not be able to handle the reality of it all. Because mentally? the real, fully integrated self, is still stuck back at that point. That point when things went wrong. So terribly wrong. From that point on we exist in a fog, in a bubble, behind a big glass wall that cuts us off from everyone else.

It's kind of nice in there.

It feels good. It feels safe. I stepped out into the real world, briefly, a few months back.. and it hurt like hell. Like a newborn. They have such a rude awakening when they join our world. Pushed out of that soft, warm, watery home.. into a big, bright, loud world with people touching them, poking them, prodding them. Even being cradled in their mother's arms borders on too much for them. And they cry in protest for weeks, only comforted by being wrapped snugly in a blanket that buffers the outside world's heavy hand. I don't want to go outside again.

That light blinded me for a while.. and I made some incredibly stupid decisions. Back here in the darkness, everything is so much clearer.. so much easier. So much simpler. I can deal with it. Denial, Minimalization, Depersonalization.. these are my best friends. Without them, I don't know how to get through the day. They help me with all of my biggest demons, not just you.. but the others too. Why do you think it's so easy for me to forgive? And I know, from experience, that it won't be *that* long until the memories fade and the words cease to haunt me.. (I sure would like to speed it up though!)

Lately, I feel more than a little crazy. Sure, running away often sounds tempting.. though deep down, it's NOT what I want. It's a good thing I can't. I don't think I would survive very long with myself. Sometimes I wonder how long it will be.. how long can I fight temptation? The temptation to run, the temptation to hide, the temptation to hurt myself.. But I've managed to fight it this long, why would I suddenly give in now? I wouldn't. Right? Right.

I'm sure that, to some extent, it's subconscious. But just because I acknowledge that January through March would likely be a difficult time for me, did that really mean it had to begin so soon? Could it not wait for January 17th? After all, that's when it really began, right? It would have been nice to get through my kids birthdays in a decent state of mind..

I know it's only been two days in a row, but I hope it does not become a pattern. I really don't enjoy having bad dreams and then waking up to have my mind filled with bad memories. My dreams, luckily, don't directly relate to anything that happened last year.. they just contain elements of how it affected me. Like dreaming about being pregnant, but know one says a word.. and by the end I'm left wondering if I'm going to be giving birth completely alone.. and what to do with the baby afterwards?

Mood disorder? I don't know. A few days ago, I pretty much wanted to die.. or disappear at least. Yesterday? I was smiling and, for the most part, happy and content. I'd love to blame it on PMS or something, but does that normally bring on suicidal thoughts? No? I didn't think so. The more I read about psychological disorders the more I find myself saying 'That's not normal??'. I mean, I realize that all people have ups and downs, that all people will react to things and circumstances in their lives.. but some of it has just always made sense. 'Well of course I feel that way, because...' But apparently there's a limit.. limits that I almost consistently exceed. I can't seem to speak frankly with people about the way I feel without being told that I 'need help'. It kind of makes me laugh. 'Nah, I don't need help.. I've made it this long this way. I have excellent coping skills and would rather use them than be put on drugs.' I guess part of why I don't really want to go to therapy is because I'm afraid that if I tell them EVERYTHING, they'll admit me. Ha ha. That would SUCK. (Though, I admit, sometimes a 'break' from life sounds rather appealing..)

I'm so glad I still have my husband. Sure, I'm constantly doubting him. Yes, I'm having to completely relearn how to trust someone who has proven to be untrustworthy. But I know that he is doing his best to take care of me just as I am him. (See? I'm in a good mood today.. even if I was imagining myself face to face with the other woman this morning..) Even if he did have some crazy ass secret life going on that I am oblivious to (yes, it still crosses my mind.. no I don't have any reason to think he does..), he is still here with me, taking care of me, and being GOOD to me.

The road back to where I was is long... and bumpy. I get discouraged, and I want so badly to give up and run away. But I would be worse off in the end if I did. So I press on, clinging to reality.. even when I can't touch it.

I'm lonely. Lonely and isolated. But I don't have any desire to un-isolate myself.. I don't feel fit for human consumption.

Sure, we've been through times like this before. But I always felt like there was hope, hope that things would get better. And I always felt that no matter how bad it got, at least we had each other.. and that was so much better than whatever monetary gain we were striving for. I guess I don't have much faith anymore.. I don't know..

I still believe. I still believe in God and all His awesome power. I still have faith that He has a plan and all that happy crap.. But I guess I don't have the hope that I used to that said plan was really worth working toward or following.

I had faith in God first, and faith in my husband second. I had faith that God would protect our marriage and hold us together. I believed that my husband would be true to me, be good to me.. I believed my family loved me and would always look out for me. I believed God would keep my foundations strong because it was all built on Him. I trusted my family. I trusted my husband. And I trusted God.

Not anymore. And honestly? I don't think I even want to anymore. What has trusting ever brought me in my life? A whole lot of hurt and heartache. It's left me high and dry, left me vulnerable. And it's left me looking and feeling like a complete fool.

I just don't really give a shit anymore.

I know there isn't any better out there. I have no aspirations. God's plan for me? I don't even want to know. I'm so sick of having my faith tried and tested and all that crap. I'm so sick of these character building experiences in my life.. You know what? My character can kick your character's ass. I mean, you know.. if character building were like body building..

Sure, I'm still going to live my life for God. What else is there at this point? I'll do my best to do the job He's appointed me.. But I guess I won't be 'expecting great things' anymore like I once did.. I always thought that surely, something good was down the road for us. But now, the one thing that held me together all these years and kept me going - my relationship with my husband, my ability to have faith in him, depend on him, and trust him - has come crashing down around me, it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.