I don't really know what to say about today..
I was actually holding up pretty well, delightfully oblivious to what today is. I know that people would say it's silly and stupid for me to 'dwell' on things this way. Why not just forget all these stupid dates? I'd like to. Like I said, I made it through half my day without even realizing it! I am at least proud of myself for that. But apparently today is said to be 'the most depressing day in history'.. I read that and then I thought about it. Go figure, right?
I wish I could have been there.
I wish I could have stopped him.
I wish I knew exactly what happened.
What they said to each other, what they did together.. how exactly they managed to go from two married people who were reconnecting and reminiscing at a mutual friend's wedding to two people having an affair.
I wish I didn't feel so alone right now.

Two years ago today, we were driving away from California. I have not been back since, and I could care less.. One year ago today, you were on your way back.. again. My soul had reached a point of unrest that caused me to shut down and go numb.

You wrote me an email before heading out the door that morning. You said words that brought tears to my eyes - all the things I longed to hear. It was bittersweet. You knew you were hurting me by taking the trip, but I suppose you felt you'd be hurting your friend more if you didn't. I don't know what possessed you to sit down and type out that email.. and I don't know if you felt it in your heart or meant a single thing you said. I don't know if I ever will know.. or if you even remember.

It took less than three days for you to turn it all into a lie.

I don't know how to feel today.. aside from happy that you are not in California. You are here with me, celebrating our second son, playing in the snow, working to provide for your family. I don't know that I would have believed it if someone had said to me last spring that this is where we would be today.

I haven't even opened my email today. I don't know if I will. Anyone who might send something to that address can surely wait until tomorrow.

There's a heavy sadness upon my heart as I struggle to forget. To distract myself from the thoughts of 'this time last year'.. I know I will be spending a lot of time distracting myself over the next few months.. Please, be patient with me.

I know it irritates you when I shirk responsibilities.. when I lack patience with the children.. when I can't follow through on the few things you depend on me for. I wish I could explain why. I wish I could explain the immobilizing feelings that cause my soul to become heavier than lead. I have moments when sadness will fill every inch of my body to the point of scarcely being able to lift a finger. The world around me disappears and fear and sorrow blind and overtake me like an all consuming darkness. I wish I could push it away, I wish I could fight my way out.. I wish I could turn on a light.

I wish I could shake the feeling that you're only here because you've settled. You realized that what you want and what you need are different things and that meeting the need was wiser than fulfilling desires. I can't help but wonder.. If we were to erase our past, take away all the responsibilities, all we've invested in each other.. and if you were to put me in a line up.. would you choose me? or would you just overlook me. Would you even be interested?

When my affection and advances are met with indifference I have to fight to remember that you are involuntarily affected by your moods and tell myself over and over that you are not simply tolerating me.. you are just... down.

There was a time, it seems ages ago, that you couldn't get enough of me. You couldn't keep your hands off me. I knew you were mine, I knew I had you and you couldn't get away.. But it faded.. and faded and faded until it disappeared. It made a brief reappearance last spring when you were on anti-depressants.. It almost made me wish we could keep you on them.. but I knew it wasn't *real*. And I could see that the mania was so intense it was making you feel like you might explode at any moment - one can only tolerate something that intense for so long.

I look forward to the days ahead.. as all this gets farther and farther behind us.. I look forward to not thinking about Her every day. I look forward to not wondering if you're thinking of Her when you're with me.. to not wondering if you dream about Her.. to not wishing I was Her. I look forward to forgetting the things you said to Her about me.. and not longing to live up to those failed expectations, not screaming in my head about the injustice of it all.. not longing to tell Her it was all a lie.. and then stopping to wonder.. 'But was it??...'

Do I really want to know?

I finally figured it out yesterday. I figured out why my own fertility is such an *issue* for me. Part of me is happy that I fessed up to you what I was scheming.. but part of me wishes I had had the courage to go through with it.

I sat there in church, Sunday before last, when the idea came to me. 'I'll just go and get my tubes tied. We don't need to talk about it.. I already know he does NOT want any more children.. He's made that perfectly clear. So, why not just go do it? Just get a sitter, and go.' Of course, then there were hang ups, I felt compelled to check and see if it was covered by our insurance, and see how much it would cost us.. (stupid PPO).. and ended up telling you.

And you wanted to talk about it. But I don't want to talk about it.

I keep reading these stories people share about the birth of their children.. many of them including the part where they decided to conceive a child.. tried.. perhaps failed and tried again.. and succeeded. It just digs that knife deeper in my heart.

As we drove in the car yesterday and I thought about our friends. Our friends who are working so hard to have another baby.. Who made the decision to have a vasectomy years ago.. attempted later to reverse it but failed.. tried to adopt but were denied.. and now are trying another reversal. And praying.

I spent my childhood looking forward to motherhood. It was one of my biggest goals in life. As a teenager who found herself sexually active, I often fantasized about an accidental pregnancy. But I was relieved to make it through my teens without that 'mistake' under my belt as well.

What hits me the hardest is hearing fathers recount tales of wanting a child, of rejoicing in their wife's pregnancy, and being so overjoyed by the arrival of that infant.. not that you haven't reacted with joy upon meeting all of your children.. but they were never sought after.

Five children. All accidents. I am a mother by accident.

I comforted myself over the years with the fact that I was privileged as your wife to be the mother of your children. I loved carrying your babies and looked upon them in some small way as a gift to you.. even if you didn't always seem to see them that way. But if I could have once heard in all those years, the words 'I want to have a baby' come out of YOUR mouth.. I think I would some how feel more complete. Perhaps I am wrong.

One of the most painful things for me to hear come out of your mouth after your affair.. let alone that it was just sick and twisted.. it cut me to the very core as your wife and the mother of your children.. was when you said you wished she was pregnant. I wanted so badly to be her at that moment. 9 years as your wife, and I'd never heard you say that to me (though, I had heard you say.. at least 5 times.. 'I hope you're not.').. despite the fact that I'd given you 5 children.

I suppose all this is what keeps me ever 'open to more'.. holding out hope that maybe one day we too could join the league of proud parents who say 'and then we decided we wanted a baby..' I would have loved to have been able to be excited, over joyed at the site of a positive pregnancy test.. and have you excited with me.

But I suppose that some things just aren't meant to be..

So, as we once again toss around the idea of ending our days of fertility, bear with me as it is such a sore subject for me. To once and for all lay to rest the possibility, the opportunity, for us to truly welcome a child into our lives will be a very bittersweet moment for me.