I hate them.
How they sneak up on you and overtake you.. like an attack from an enemy.

I was doing the dishes today.. and memories came flooding in like a dark wave, cold and looming. Sure, I heard it coming.. I heard it coming a long way off. I just couldn't get out of the way in time.

All that time we spent standing in the kitchen, talking about things.. it is starting to take it's toll on me.

This time, it was the memory of you taunting me, teasing me.. almost encouraging me.. suggesting I go out and have my own affair. At the time, I think you had a lot of reasons for saying it. Some conscious, some subconscious. I know that consciously you were trying to prove a point, you were trying to tell me I was worth while.. but it was NOT the way to go about such a task. Oh, no..

"It's not fair.. I couldn't even have an affair if I wanted to."
"Why would you say that?"
"Lots of reasons. I have no way of meeting anyone, for starters.. and then there's the fact that I have no money of my own, no transportation of my own, and simply no way of sneaking around without you knowing."
"You could always have someone over."
"I have 5 kids, stupid."
"Yeah.."
"Besides, I highly doubt that anyone would even want to have an affair with me."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Look at me."
"What?.. You're hot!"
"Whatever."
"You are. I see people look at you."
"And what.. cringe?"
"Far from it."

And then you said it.. You said I should do it.. You said I should try and snag someone. Said I could surely find some hot rich guy that would gladly rescue me from you. I didn't want to be rescued from you.. I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to look twice, not someone else. I wanted to be worthwhile to you.. to be worth fighting for.

I still wonder sometimes.. if something were to happen.. would you fight for me? Would you put up a fight if I wanted to leave? Every time I expressed interest in leaving over the past year, you seemed all to eager to just let me go 'if it was what I wanted'.. I just don't understand that. Any more than I can understand how shocked you were over the way I fought to keep you here. You always tell me that if I really want to go, you'll let me. Because you just want me to be happy. But it doesn't make sense to me. I always imagined that I had married someone who would be ready to beat another man's ass for looking twice, not one that would be willing to bid me farewell and wish me much happiness..

I hope that's changed.

cold
it comes creeping in,
slipping, sliding, sneaking in
it seeps into my bones
i shiver and shake
how much more can i take
i'm ready, i'm waiting
i need you to come
bring me your warmth
wrap around me
lift me, love me
make me warm again
i need your heat
your touch, your heart
bring me back to life
make me warm again
this dark stranger
slinking, curling, slithering
across the floor, through the door
we never saw it coming
the lights went out
we scream and shout
never seeing, never knowing
what was right in front of us
chilled and trembling
whispering, mumbling
we missed our chance
to stop, to catch
to rescue what was there
i need your touch
i feel your breath
aches and tremors
quiver through the air
you step in, you pick me up
i fold into your arms
your warmth, your life
fill me up with light
glowing, burning
loving, learning
make me warm again

heart aching
hands shaking
no way to hide
from pain deep inside
I scratch, I claw, I run
but there you are again
you're in my face
you point the gun
but I won't tell
I won't share
I shut my mouth
hide my despair
I push, you pull
you won't give up
I reach and touch you
your arms hold me up
and it's too much
shaking
shivering
cold and alone
fear creeps in
I can not win
a battle with myself.