This song is even better when you listen to it.. you can find it on Emery's myspace page, http://www.myspace.com/emery or on PureVolume, http://www.purevolume.com/emery

Lyrics to The Smile The Face :

I was never going to fall
(I was never going to fall)
But the smile, the face has sealed my fate
(The smile, the face)
She's weird, an addict of it all
Lets wait for another taste!
(I have nothing left to give)

The world, has turned, black and cold
And I, can't catch my breathe
You rehearsed your lines
With rhythmic details
They match, the pounding in my chest

The summer came and you left me with your words
The clever sounds from your mouth
They can make me feel so worthless
And you say, that I am not enough
And through my heart is breaking open
Know that I will not be broken

The person you claimed to be, is not who haunts me now
The cherished lines behind those brown eyes
That you swore were true more times than I can count

The summer came and you left me with your words
The clever sounds from your mouth
They can make me feel so worthless
And you say, that I am not enough
And through my heart is breaking open
Know that I will not be broken

I know these words are weak and young
But broken as I come undone
And while I drown in these mistakes
You ego swells but I can tell
You know that you're a fake.

(You cried and cried I'm your friend!)
Just to save some face!
(You didn't want it to end!)
In just a week I'm replaced!
(You wanted me so listen to me but can you hear me now?!)
(Your just a sickness and a cancer!)
The cancer's your filthy mouth.

Don't you ever wonder why he doesn't call? Don't you ever wonder why he's grown so distant, let his relationship with his immediate and extended family dissipate and dissolve? Don't you wonder, in light of what you found out, if maybe he feels embarrassed, or ashamed, or even a little guilty?

I sure do.

I think part of why I wanted you all to know was so that we could 'clear the air' so to speak. I don't know why I thought it would *help*. Silly. I don't know why I thought that maybe getting it off his chest might help him to find a way to be closer to us all.. I don't even really know why I'd want that.

No one seemed to take much notice to the fact that when we were about to leave the state and had a gathering to 'say goodbye' and celebrate the kids' birthdays, he didn't even show up. Sure, his wife dropped off some gifts and said hello.. but he just didn't have time.

And then there were the things that no one else noticed (aside from my husband), like crossing paths in our children's class room at church on my birthday and he looked right at me but didn't even stop to say hello. I found it strange.. wouldn't you?

I haven't spoken to him since before we left the state. Honestly, I don't even remember the last time I spoke to him, or what we talked about for that matter. I do remember one time when one of my uncles called your house and I answered the phone. I thought it was him and my heart jumped into my throat, my body tensed up, and was suddenly filled with anxiety. It felt so strange and I was taken aback at my reaction to the sound of his voice.. only it wasn't his voice. When I realized it was my uncle I felt embarrassed.. though I hadn't said much other than 'Hello.', I just felt as if I'd mistaken him for someone bad. As if I'd insulted him, and that only further confused me.

And that was before it all came out.

I remember when he and his family would come to the kids' birthday parties. Well, only a couple times that I can remember. He was usually working, or something. He would grab a drink, find a spot to sit and stay there. He'd talk to those who talked to him but would barely say more than a few words to my husband or me. Minimal interaction. Didn't you find it strange that he behaved that way? Didn't you think maybe that there was more reason behind it than 'I guess that's just the way he is'?

It's not the way we were raised. And that shows in the rest of us. Despite the bad things that happened in my childhood, despite the fear and the hurts, I still learned to value my family and cherish the bond and relationships therein. Don't you wonder why he didn't?

I was sad that he was always so distant and separate from us while we all lived near each other. We all went to the same church and we all had children who were close in age. I thought 'How lucky that all our kids get to spend their early years so close to their cousins! How lucky that they get to have a close relationship with them and be life long friends!' But sadly, it wasn't the case. They were around so little that now my kids have a hard time even remembering their kids' names. They remember their other cousins just fine, despite the fact that they haven't even lived in the same state for about half of their little lives. It breaks my heart a little whenever I have to explain to them again what their cousins names are and how old they are.

But I suppose it's not the issue. If it was, wouldn't he have wanted it to be off his chest? Maybe not. Perhaps he's just so offended by the label I gave it. I'm sure he sees it the same way I did for so long. If he were to admit it, he would surely not take responsibility for what happened. He would say that I'm equally responsible, just as I used to believe. The fact remains that I was a young child. I didn't understand what was going on. Maybe I could have stopped him. But that doesn't really matter at this point. Whether I wanted it to stop or not, whether I tried to stop him or not, is rather irrelevant.. he was old enough to know better.

Bear with me, this is long..

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is something that is most commonly associated with veterans or victims of horrific and physically traumatic events. Many people don't realize that PTSD can also be the result of emotional trauma.

Survivors of rape or sexual abuse often have PTSD. Also, people who have been betrayed by their partner through an affair often struggle with PTSD.

I found an interesting article today regarding PTSD and rape/sexual abuse survivors on http://dancinginthedarkness.com.

I feel odd talking about having PTSD. I feel odd because I have always associated it with trauma, especially physical trauma and violence. I never knew that it could come from emotionally traumatic events.. even if they don't feel traumatic at the time. And because I had this misunderstanding about it, I also didn't understand all of the way that it could be manifested. I knew the symptoms that veterans experience - my grandfather fought in WW2 and my mother has told me of some of the odd behaviors he exhibited because of his PTSD.

PTSD from emotional or sexual trauma has it's own set of complications. Here is what the aforementioned site had to say:
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A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet

PTSD and Relationships:

Trauma survivors with PTSD often experience problems in their intimate and family relationships or close friendships. PTSD involves symptoms that interfere with trust, emotional closeness, communication, responsible assertiveness, and effective problem solving:

Loss of interest in social or sexual activities, and feeling distant from others, as well as feeling emotionally numb. Partners, friends, or family members may feel hurt, alienated, or discouraged, and then become angry or distant toward the survivor.

Feeling irritable, on-guard, easily startled, worried, or anxious may lead survivors to be unable to relax, socialize, or be intimate without being tense or demanding. Significant others may feel pressured, tense, and controlled as a result.

Difficulty falling or staying asleep and severe nightmares prevent both the survivor and partner from sleeping restfully, and may make sleeping together difficult.

Trauma memories, trauma reminders or flashbacks, and the attempt to avoid such memories or reminders, can make living with a survivor feel like living in a war zone or living in constant threat of vague but terrible danger. Living with an individual who has PTSD does not automatically cause PTSD; but it can produce "vicarious" or "secondary" traumatization, which is almost like having PTSD.

Reliving trauma memories, avoiding trauma reminders, and struggling with fear and anger greatly interferes with survivors' abilities to concentrate, listen carefully, and make cooperative decisions -- so problems often go unresolved for a long time. Significant others may come to feel that dialogue and teamwork are impossible.

Survivors of childhood sexual and physical abuse, rape, domestic violence, combat, or terrorism, genocide, torture, kidnapping or being a prisoner of war, often report feeling a lasting sense of terror, horror, vulnerability and betrayal that interferes with relationships:

Feeling close, trusting, and emotionally or sexually intimate may seem a dangerous "letting down of my guard" because of past traumas -- although the survivor often actually feels a strong bond of love or friendship in current healthy relationships.

Having been victimized and exposed to rage and violence, survivors often struggle with intense anger and impulses that usually are suppressed by avoiding closeness or by adopting an attitude of criticism or dissatisfaction with loved ones and friends. Intimate relationships may have episodes of verbal or physical violence.

Survivors may be overly dependent upon or overprotective of partners, family members, friends, or support persons (such as healthcare providers or therapists).

Alcohol abuse and substance addiction Eas an attempt to cope with PTSD Ecan destroy intimacy or friendships

In the first weeks and months following the traumatic event, survivors of disasters, terrible accidents or illnesses, or community violence often feel an unexpected sense of anger, detachment, or anxiety in intimate, family, and friendship relationships. Most are able to resume their prior level of intimacy and involvement in relationships, but the 5-10% who develop PTSD often experience lasting problems with relatedness and intimacy.

Yet many trauma survivors do not experience PTSD, and many couples, families, or friendships with an individual who has PTSD do not experience severe relational problems. Successful intimate relationships require:

Creating a personal support network to cope with PTSD while maintaining or rebuilding family and friend relationships with dedication, perseverance, hard work, and commitment

Sharing feelings honestly and openly with an attitude of respect and compassion

Continual practice to strengthen cooperative problem-solving and communication

Infusions of playfulness, spontaneity, relaxation, and mutual enjoyment.

For many trauma survivors, intimate, family, and friend relationships are extremely beneficial, providing companionship and belongingness as an antidote to isolation, self-esteem as an antidote to depression and guilt, opportunities to make a positive contribution to reduce feelings of failure or alienation, and practical and emotional support when coping with life stressors.

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I realize now, that during my teens and early years of my marriage, I did experience some of these things. But not to an extent where I felt something was 'wrong'. Before my husband's affair I had reached a point where I was truly comfortable trusting him and allowing myself to really be emotionally intimate with him and with a handful of friends. I felt safe enough to open up to vulnerability. I'd gotten over this:
"Feeling close, trusting, and emotionally or sexually intimate may seem a dangerous "letting down of my guard" because of past traumas -- although the survivor often actually feels a strong bond of love or friendship in current healthy relationships."

Over the past year, as I've learned more about PTSD, it's affects, and what causes it, I have mostly blamed it on the affair. I know that a lot of what I experience is directly related to the affair, that is easy enough to figure out because of what triggers it.

But I'm beginning to realize that there is more to the picture. Especially when we factor in the messy situation that came from 'coming out' to my family. That was a huge set back for me.

I know that the affair really intensified and even caused a lot of the problems I have now with PTSD. But I can see from this information that the root cause of it goes much deeper and extends deeply into the fact that I was betrayed first as a child. That shaping that took place, that conditioning of how I view relationships and my place in them, has made infidelity an even bigger blow to my emotional stability than it might have been otherwise.

It's no wonder that my main coping tool right now is avoidance. I've completely cut myself off from the issues, both of them. I don't want to think about them or talk about them.. especially not with my husband. I do occasionally talk about them.. but it's as if I'm talking about someone else. Which makes me feel like I'm lying. I know I'm not, but it's what it feels like.. and that's okay with me because it enables me to cut off my emotions regarding the situation.

A year ago, I was diving in head first. I was raw and bleeding from my husband's betrayal and that situation managed to open all my other old wounds as well. I figured, if I have to deal with this, I may as well deal with that. But it got to be too much. So, I'm done.

The part that concerns me most is this:
"Having been victimized and exposed to rage and violence, survivors often struggle with intense anger and impulses that usually are suppressed by avoiding closeness or by adopting an attitude of criticism or dissatisfaction with loved ones and friends. Intimate relationships may have episodes of verbal or physical violence."

Now, I never really considered myself a victim of physical abuse, but there was violence involved in my home life growing up. I'm not sure if that's where this comes from or not, but I know that I am guilty of this behavior quite often. When I get triggered by something, this is often how PTSD rears up in me. I get angry and irritable and have a tendency to get verbally abusive - especially toward my kids.

I need to work on finding a way to deal with that.