Disoriented

Many things have popped into my head lately that I have wanted to say here. But it seems like by the time I have a chance to sit down and say them, they've already managed to float off into the ether..

I kind of like it that way.

If I stay busy enough, I can push just about anything away. Sure, it's not really a very good habit when it comes to 'working through things' or making progress in being able to trust and allow intimacy in my life.. but it leaves me feeling more on top of things and more in control of life. It leaves me feeling more content and more able to function.

I'm getting back to 'normal'.

With each time I push those feelings away, I put another stitch in the gaping wound that was ripped open a bit more than a year ago.. I'm tired of bleeding. I want it to stop. A wound can't heal if it's left open, right? So I'm going to close it up myself.

There are certain things about my life that I have to just accept. I can't have it all, I can't be 'whole' - whatever that means. I can't be open and trusting and 'intimate' and also be able to function. It's too exhausting and terrifying and unfamiliar. It leaves me immobilized and shivering in the corner. It leaves me wanting to run for cover and wanting to cut off and isolate myself. I can't handle it. And, honestly, I don't want to handle it. Trusting people has never really done anything good for me. So I give up. I'm done. It's time to stand on my own two feet and brace myself against the world, I'm sick of being hurt. I'm done.

I guess, in a way this is my version of 'getting over it'. It's amazing how much infidelity and abuse have in common. The feelings they evoke, the damages they cause, the reactions they garner from outside people.. So very much the same. Personally, I think infidelity is probably the worst form of emotional abuse that there is. In both cases you'll find many friends growing tired of 'hearing about it' and wondering why the hurt person won't just 'let go', 'move on', and 'get over it'. Believe me, if we could, we WOULD. If I could just find some way to make myself 'okay with it', that would be super. But I haven't found that yet. The only strategy I have found that works for me is simply not allowing myself to think about it.

But not dealing with it, not working through it, not 'healing', makes me paranoid. How long is he going to put up with a wife who can't figure out how to trust him? It took YEARS to reach a point where I felt like I could fully and confidently trust him.. and then he betrayed me. So why would I even want to get there again? Not much incentive for him to want to stay with me, now is it? So I just resign myself to accepting the idea that there will probably come a day when he's just done and decides to go. I hope that day doesn't come until the kids are grown. Still, I feel awful expecting him to stick around. He deserves to have a wife who loves AND trusts him. Someone he can really be close to, be intimate with. Why should he have to stay with me and be lonely? That certainly isn't going to do him any good.

It's not that I don't trust him at all. I do. But I can't stop my brain from wondering what really goes on in his daily life. Why should I 'just believe' anymore? It's not that I'm choosing to wonder, it's not that I want to be suspicious.. it just happens. At least I know that he can understand that. He knows what it's like to be uncontrollably paranoid - only he's never had any reason to be. Sometimes it's hard to not be angry at the unfairness of that, but it would be a waste of time and energy. So I resist.

I suppose it's all just the consequences of being with someone so 'out of my league'.

So I keep busy. I keep busy so that I don't think about it. I can do it. I can stay busy enough to just push through it and get to the other side, right? Someday it will go away, I'll get over it. But I will NOT let down my guard again. I can't afford to do that anymore.