Don't you ever wonder??

Don't you ever wonder why he doesn't call? Don't you ever wonder why he's grown so distant, let his relationship with his immediate and extended family dissipate and dissolve? Don't you wonder, in light of what you found out, if maybe he feels embarrassed, or ashamed, or even a little guilty?

I sure do.

I think part of why I wanted you all to know was so that we could 'clear the air' so to speak. I don't know why I thought it would *help*. Silly. I don't know why I thought that maybe getting it off his chest might help him to find a way to be closer to us all.. I don't even really know why I'd want that.

No one seemed to take much notice to the fact that when we were about to leave the state and had a gathering to 'say goodbye' and celebrate the kids' birthdays, he didn't even show up. Sure, his wife dropped off some gifts and said hello.. but he just didn't have time.

And then there were the things that no one else noticed (aside from my husband), like crossing paths in our children's class room at church on my birthday and he looked right at me but didn't even stop to say hello. I found it strange.. wouldn't you?

I haven't spoken to him since before we left the state. Honestly, I don't even remember the last time I spoke to him, or what we talked about for that matter. I do remember one time when one of my uncles called your house and I answered the phone. I thought it was him and my heart jumped into my throat, my body tensed up, and was suddenly filled with anxiety. It felt so strange and I was taken aback at my reaction to the sound of his voice.. only it wasn't his voice. When I realized it was my uncle I felt embarrassed.. though I hadn't said much other than 'Hello.', I just felt as if I'd mistaken him for someone bad. As if I'd insulted him, and that only further confused me.

And that was before it all came out.

I remember when he and his family would come to the kids' birthday parties. Well, only a couple times that I can remember. He was usually working, or something. He would grab a drink, find a spot to sit and stay there. He'd talk to those who talked to him but would barely say more than a few words to my husband or me. Minimal interaction. Didn't you find it strange that he behaved that way? Didn't you think maybe that there was more reason behind it than 'I guess that's just the way he is'?

It's not the way we were raised. And that shows in the rest of us. Despite the bad things that happened in my childhood, despite the fear and the hurts, I still learned to value my family and cherish the bond and relationships therein. Don't you wonder why he didn't?

I was sad that he was always so distant and separate from us while we all lived near each other. We all went to the same church and we all had children who were close in age. I thought 'How lucky that all our kids get to spend their early years so close to their cousins! How lucky that they get to have a close relationship with them and be life long friends!' But sadly, it wasn't the case. They were around so little that now my kids have a hard time even remembering their kids' names. They remember their other cousins just fine, despite the fact that they haven't even lived in the same state for about half of their little lives. It breaks my heart a little whenever I have to explain to them again what their cousins names are and how old they are.

But I suppose it's not the issue. If it was, wouldn't he have wanted it to be off his chest? Maybe not. Perhaps he's just so offended by the label I gave it. I'm sure he sees it the same way I did for so long. If he were to admit it, he would surely not take responsibility for what happened. He would say that I'm equally responsible, just as I used to believe. The fact remains that I was a young child. I didn't understand what was going on. Maybe I could have stopped him. But that doesn't really matter at this point. Whether I wanted it to stop or not, whether I tried to stop him or not, is rather irrelevant.. he was old enough to know better.