Understanding PTSD

Bear with me, this is long..

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is something that is most commonly associated with veterans or victims of horrific and physically traumatic events. Many people don't realize that PTSD can also be the result of emotional trauma.

Survivors of rape or sexual abuse often have PTSD. Also, people who have been betrayed by their partner through an affair often struggle with PTSD.

I found an interesting article today regarding PTSD and rape/sexual abuse survivors on http://dancinginthedarkness.com.

I feel odd talking about having PTSD. I feel odd because I have always associated it with trauma, especially physical trauma and violence. I never knew that it could come from emotionally traumatic events.. even if they don't feel traumatic at the time. And because I had this misunderstanding about it, I also didn't understand all of the way that it could be manifested. I knew the symptoms that veterans experience - my grandfather fought in WW2 and my mother has told me of some of the odd behaviors he exhibited because of his PTSD.

PTSD from emotional or sexual trauma has it's own set of complications. Here is what the aforementioned site had to say:
*****************************************************************

A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet

PTSD and Relationships:

Trauma survivors with PTSD often experience problems in their intimate and family relationships or close friendships. PTSD involves symptoms that interfere with trust, emotional closeness, communication, responsible assertiveness, and effective problem solving:

Loss of interest in social or sexual activities, and feeling distant from others, as well as feeling emotionally numb. Partners, friends, or family members may feel hurt, alienated, or discouraged, and then become angry or distant toward the survivor.

Feeling irritable, on-guard, easily startled, worried, or anxious may lead survivors to be unable to relax, socialize, or be intimate without being tense or demanding. Significant others may feel pressured, tense, and controlled as a result.

Difficulty falling or staying asleep and severe nightmares prevent both the survivor and partner from sleeping restfully, and may make sleeping together difficult.

Trauma memories, trauma reminders or flashbacks, and the attempt to avoid such memories or reminders, can make living with a survivor feel like living in a war zone or living in constant threat of vague but terrible danger. Living with an individual who has PTSD does not automatically cause PTSD; but it can produce "vicarious" or "secondary" traumatization, which is almost like having PTSD.

Reliving trauma memories, avoiding trauma reminders, and struggling with fear and anger greatly interferes with survivors' abilities to concentrate, listen carefully, and make cooperative decisions -- so problems often go unresolved for a long time. Significant others may come to feel that dialogue and teamwork are impossible.

Survivors of childhood sexual and physical abuse, rape, domestic violence, combat, or terrorism, genocide, torture, kidnapping or being a prisoner of war, often report feeling a lasting sense of terror, horror, vulnerability and betrayal that interferes with relationships:

Feeling close, trusting, and emotionally or sexually intimate may seem a dangerous "letting down of my guard" because of past traumas -- although the survivor often actually feels a strong bond of love or friendship in current healthy relationships.

Having been victimized and exposed to rage and violence, survivors often struggle with intense anger and impulses that usually are suppressed by avoiding closeness or by adopting an attitude of criticism or dissatisfaction with loved ones and friends. Intimate relationships may have episodes of verbal or physical violence.

Survivors may be overly dependent upon or overprotective of partners, family members, friends, or support persons (such as healthcare providers or therapists).

Alcohol abuse and substance addiction Eas an attempt to cope with PTSD Ecan destroy intimacy or friendships

In the first weeks and months following the traumatic event, survivors of disasters, terrible accidents or illnesses, or community violence often feel an unexpected sense of anger, detachment, or anxiety in intimate, family, and friendship relationships. Most are able to resume their prior level of intimacy and involvement in relationships, but the 5-10% who develop PTSD often experience lasting problems with relatedness and intimacy.

Yet many trauma survivors do not experience PTSD, and many couples, families, or friendships with an individual who has PTSD do not experience severe relational problems. Successful intimate relationships require:

Creating a personal support network to cope with PTSD while maintaining or rebuilding family and friend relationships with dedication, perseverance, hard work, and commitment

Sharing feelings honestly and openly with an attitude of respect and compassion

Continual practice to strengthen cooperative problem-solving and communication

Infusions of playfulness, spontaneity, relaxation, and mutual enjoyment.

For many trauma survivors, intimate, family, and friend relationships are extremely beneficial, providing companionship and belongingness as an antidote to isolation, self-esteem as an antidote to depression and guilt, opportunities to make a positive contribution to reduce feelings of failure or alienation, and practical and emotional support when coping with life stressors.

*****************************************************************
I realize now, that during my teens and early years of my marriage, I did experience some of these things. But not to an extent where I felt something was 'wrong'. Before my husband's affair I had reached a point where I was truly comfortable trusting him and allowing myself to really be emotionally intimate with him and with a handful of friends. I felt safe enough to open up to vulnerability. I'd gotten over this:
"Feeling close, trusting, and emotionally or sexually intimate may seem a dangerous "letting down of my guard" because of past traumas -- although the survivor often actually feels a strong bond of love or friendship in current healthy relationships."

Over the past year, as I've learned more about PTSD, it's affects, and what causes it, I have mostly blamed it on the affair. I know that a lot of what I experience is directly related to the affair, that is easy enough to figure out because of what triggers it.

But I'm beginning to realize that there is more to the picture. Especially when we factor in the messy situation that came from 'coming out' to my family. That was a huge set back for me.

I know that the affair really intensified and even caused a lot of the problems I have now with PTSD. But I can see from this information that the root cause of it goes much deeper and extends deeply into the fact that I was betrayed first as a child. That shaping that took place, that conditioning of how I view relationships and my place in them, has made infidelity an even bigger blow to my emotional stability than it might have been otherwise.

It's no wonder that my main coping tool right now is avoidance. I've completely cut myself off from the issues, both of them. I don't want to think about them or talk about them.. especially not with my husband. I do occasionally talk about them.. but it's as if I'm talking about someone else. Which makes me feel like I'm lying. I know I'm not, but it's what it feels like.. and that's okay with me because it enables me to cut off my emotions regarding the situation.

A year ago, I was diving in head first. I was raw and bleeding from my husband's betrayal and that situation managed to open all my other old wounds as well. I figured, if I have to deal with this, I may as well deal with that. But it got to be too much. So, I'm done.

The part that concerns me most is this:
"Having been victimized and exposed to rage and violence, survivors often struggle with intense anger and impulses that usually are suppressed by avoiding closeness or by adopting an attitude of criticism or dissatisfaction with loved ones and friends. Intimate relationships may have episodes of verbal or physical violence."

Now, I never really considered myself a victim of physical abuse, but there was violence involved in my home life growing up. I'm not sure if that's where this comes from or not, but I know that I am guilty of this behavior quite often. When I get triggered by something, this is often how PTSD rears up in me. I get angry and irritable and have a tendency to get verbally abusive - especially toward my kids.

I need to work on finding a way to deal with that.