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I often get asked 'How do you do it?' in reference to my life as a stay at home, home schooling mom of 5 kids..

Like a zombie.

That's how I feel much of the time lately. And when I don't feel like a zombie, I feel like I'm on the verge of a total mental breakdown. I'm surviving life. I'm 'in tact' at the end of the day and some days? that's all I can ask for. If I stop long enough to think about.. well, anything in my life for too long, I'm just moments away from great heaving sobs and much weeping. So yeah, it's easier to not think about ANY of it.. and just go through the motions - like a zombie, or a robot.

Just thinking about all the responsibilities I have on a daily basis with my husband working so much to make ends meet that I'm left on my own 90% of the time is almost unbearable. If I don't think about it, and just DO it, it goes much smoother. I'm sure the same is true for him. If I stop to think about my marriage and all that we've been through this year.. and the things he does, all his behavior.. I quickly become paranoid and start questioning and wondering and thinking 'Am I a complete fool? Am I still being stepped on? Is he for real?' But if I don't think about it and take everything at face value, then I can get through the day, feigning trust. I could stop and wonder over possible solutions to our current financial crisis, but I know that it would get me nowhere - there simply seems to be no fixing it at this point and it isn't long before I see visions of us losing our home, packing up what clothing and necessities we can fit in our van, abandoning the rest, and living out of that van until further notice.. surely there's probably shelters we could find and what not.. my parents have offered to put us up. But I'd rather not think about it. After all, there's nothing I can do to make a difference there. I make no money.

The other stuff? Doesn't exist. I so deeply regret 'letting it out', because now it's harder to deny. 'I told'. Now I can't call up my brother like nothing happened and we can't be part of the same 'happy little family' anymore. That hurts. Nothing good has come if it and it was a terrible mistake. Thanks for asking. I'd rather not ever speak/write/think about it again. I can only thank myself for putting another big black spot on my parents' image of me. Does wonders for my issues of self-worth. Yay.

Please God, free me from these chains.

I'm so tired of living this way. In debt, overwhelmed, my children wondering why daddy never has time to play, why mommy never has time to play, why mommy and daddy always say 'we can't, we have no money', why everything had to change in my marriage and make this all so much harder to bear, and why I can't just feel like a normal person instead of a member of the Legion of the Walking Dead. I'm sick of this shit and I want it to end. I'm tired of being someone who 'never gets a break'. But I don't even want to wake up to the life I'm living. I think it would kill me.

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