PunkOnFire's blog

I'm sure that, to some extent, it's subconscious. But just because I acknowledge that January through March would likely be a difficult time for me, did that really mean it had to begin so soon? Could it not wait for January 17th? After all, that's when it really began, right? It would have been nice to get through my kids birthdays in a decent state of mind..

I know it's only been two days in a row, but I hope it does not become a pattern. I really don't enjoy having bad dreams and then waking up to have my mind filled with bad memories. My dreams, luckily, don't directly relate to anything that happened last year.. they just contain elements of how it affected me. Like dreaming about being pregnant, but know one says a word.. and by the end I'm left wondering if I'm going to be giving birth completely alone.. and what to do with the baby afterwards?

Mood disorder? I don't know. A few days ago, I pretty much wanted to die.. or disappear at least. Yesterday? I was smiling and, for the most part, happy and content. I'd love to blame it on PMS or something, but does that normally bring on suicidal thoughts? No? I didn't think so. The more I read about psychological disorders the more I find myself saying 'That's not normal??'. I mean, I realize that all people have ups and downs, that all people will react to things and circumstances in their lives.. but some of it has just always made sense. 'Well of course I feel that way, because...' But apparently there's a limit.. limits that I almost consistently exceed. I can't seem to speak frankly with people about the way I feel without being told that I 'need help'. It kind of makes me laugh. 'Nah, I don't need help.. I've made it this long this way. I have excellent coping skills and would rather use them than be put on drugs.' I guess part of why I don't really want to go to therapy is because I'm afraid that if I tell them EVERYTHING, they'll admit me. Ha ha. That would SUCK. (Though, I admit, sometimes a 'break' from life sounds rather appealing..)

I'm so glad I still have my husband. Sure, I'm constantly doubting him. Yes, I'm having to completely relearn how to trust someone who has proven to be untrustworthy. But I know that he is doing his best to take care of me just as I am him. (See? I'm in a good mood today.. even if I was imagining myself face to face with the other woman this morning..) Even if he did have some crazy ass secret life going on that I am oblivious to (yes, it still crosses my mind.. no I don't have any reason to think he does..), he is still here with me, taking care of me, and being GOOD to me.

The road back to where I was is long... and bumpy. I get discouraged, and I want so badly to give up and run away. But I would be worse off in the end if I did. So I press on, clinging to reality.. even when I can't touch it.

I'm lonely. Lonely and isolated. But I don't have any desire to un-isolate myself.. I don't feel fit for human consumption.

Sure, we've been through times like this before. But I always felt like there was hope, hope that things would get better. And I always felt that no matter how bad it got, at least we had each other.. and that was so much better than whatever monetary gain we were striving for. I guess I don't have much faith anymore.. I don't know..

I still believe. I still believe in God and all His awesome power. I still have faith that He has a plan and all that happy crap.. But I guess I don't have the hope that I used to that said plan was really worth working toward or following.

I had faith in God first, and faith in my husband second. I had faith that God would protect our marriage and hold us together. I believed that my husband would be true to me, be good to me.. I believed my family loved me and would always look out for me. I believed God would keep my foundations strong because it was all built on Him. I trusted my family. I trusted my husband. And I trusted God.

Not anymore. And honestly? I don't think I even want to anymore. What has trusting ever brought me in my life? A whole lot of hurt and heartache. It's left me high and dry, left me vulnerable. And it's left me looking and feeling like a complete fool.

I just don't really give a shit anymore.

I know there isn't any better out there. I have no aspirations. God's plan for me? I don't even want to know. I'm so sick of having my faith tried and tested and all that crap. I'm so sick of these character building experiences in my life.. You know what? My character can kick your character's ass. I mean, you know.. if character building were like body building..

Sure, I'm still going to live my life for God. What else is there at this point? I'll do my best to do the job He's appointed me.. But I guess I won't be 'expecting great things' anymore like I once did.. I always thought that surely, something good was down the road for us. But now, the one thing that held me together all these years and kept me going - my relationship with my husband, my ability to have faith in him, depend on him, and trust him - has come crashing down around me, it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

No Outlet
If I had no outlet to plug my laptop into, the battery would eventually just die. Sometimes I feel like I have no outlet to plug into.. like the life is just slowly draining out of me.

I don't need therapy.
I have plenty of conversations with my imaginary therapist. We get along ok. If the baby won't stop screaming, or the kids are driving me nuts, I usually go to my room and shut the door.. then, I inevitably end up talking to myself. Only I don't just talk to myself. I usually imagine I'm talking to someone else - my husband, my parents, a friend.. even my imaginary therapist. I've got a great support network.

Shut up.
If I could shut up the voices in my head and turn off the negative thoughts then I and all the people in my life would be so much better off. I went through a horrible phase recently of 'talking'. I started talking to people about.. well, everything. Oh how I wish I could erase it all. I screwed up my relationship with my family, I constantly say and do things that irritate my husband (who I'm already on shaky ground with), and I'm just embarrassed. I wish my secrets were still secret. Stupid. I wish shutting up could be as easy as opening up was. Enough with the verbal vomit already.

Invisible.
I used to be so invisible. Now I feel so.. painfully exposed. Naturally, it's my own stupid fault. Go me. I was moments away from wiping my existence off the internet the other day.. if my stupid laptop hadn't broken before I lost my resolve, I wouldn't be here. The one small step I had taken (which no one's noticed yet..) has left me a little sad.. I do miss it. But I know we'll be better off with me bitching at the world in one less medium. So, overall, I feel good about it. I just wish I had the strength to get rid of the rest of me..