PunkOnFire's blog

I really don't know why.

What is there to remember that I should be afraid of?

Yet as bits and pieces come back to me, I get more and more afraid. Things get worse, and I feel worse. I don't like it, and I don't want to remember any more.

I get little flashes now and then. I have a hard time organizing them into 'imagining things' and 'real memories'. I think part of that is because when those flashes come, I quickly push them aside. I don't want anything more than a flash, I don't want to relive it. I don't want to know, to see, to feel what happened.

I'm afraid of what I might remember.

I'm afraid it might be something horrible.

It scares me.

But I know it was nothing. It was no big deal. I'm sure the flashes are just my imagination inventing things to torment me with.

I want it to stop.

I don't want to talk about it. I see no reason to talk about it and see no good coming from doing so. Especially after having such bad outcomes from it in the past. And really, why talk? What's the big deal? I don't get it. Yet still, something inside me urges me to speak. Some still small voice is in there begging me to tell..

Tell what?

I don't feel like there is anything to tell. I don't know what to say. I don't remember, and I don't want to remember. But that just confuses me more. After all, it was nothing traumatic. Sometimes I wish it had been something awful, something painful. Then maybe I would feel somehow justified for feeling the way I do. And then I feel guilty and stupid and ridiculous for thinking such things. I feel that I've somehow trivialized the experiences of survivors of real abuse.

It's not that I think it was okay. I know it was wrong. I hang on to that. But how do I reconcile my part, my involvement, my responsibility, if I can't even stand the idea of replaying it in my mind? I'm afraid of what I might remember - even though I know it was nothing horrible, just kissing, and touching.. I'm afraid that if I remember it too clearly, I will find out that it was my fault, that I was the one who started it. And then what? How could I live with the accusations I've made? It seems like it would be easier to just leave it alone, forget about it, and move on.

But it always come back. And it demands to get out. And I fight the urge to talk over and over because it's embarrassing.. and I don't want to talk about it.

This song is even better when you listen to it.. you can find it on Emery's myspace page, http://www.myspace.com/emery or on PureVolume, http://www.purevolume.com/emery

Lyrics to The Smile The Face :

I was never going to fall
(I was never going to fall)
But the smile, the face has sealed my fate
(The smile, the face)
She's weird, an addict of it all
Lets wait for another taste!
(I have nothing left to give)

The world, has turned, black and cold
And I, can't catch my breathe
You rehearsed your lines
With rhythmic details
They match, the pounding in my chest

The summer came and you left me with your words
The clever sounds from your mouth
They can make me feel so worthless
And you say, that I am not enough
And through my heart is breaking open
Know that I will not be broken

The person you claimed to be, is not who haunts me now
The cherished lines behind those brown eyes
That you swore were true more times than I can count

The summer came and you left me with your words
The clever sounds from your mouth
They can make me feel so worthless
And you say, that I am not enough
And through my heart is breaking open
Know that I will not be broken

I know these words are weak and young
But broken as I come undone
And while I drown in these mistakes
You ego swells but I can tell
You know that you're a fake.

(You cried and cried I'm your friend!)
Just to save some face!
(You didn't want it to end!)
In just a week I'm replaced!
(You wanted me so listen to me but can you hear me now?!)
(Your just a sickness and a cancer!)
The cancer's your filthy mouth.