PunkOnFire's blog

Marriage is so much more than two people who love each other. Don't get me wrong, loving each other is definitely essential, but there's a lot more to it than that. Marriage is friendship. Do you stop being friends with someone because they don't call when they should? or take out your trash? or aren't 'there for you' when you need them? Marriage is partnership. Do you break with a partner when you don't agree on something? when they don't show when you expect them to? when they don't pull their own weight?

Most of all, marriage is commitment. Yeah, it sounds cliche. But it's big. It's huge. No matter what (happy or sad, in love or not, married or divorced), you're stuck with that person for the rest of your life. Perhaps if you split and have no children, you can move on and forget the other person exists.. but not generally when kids are involved. There's alimony, there's child support, there's visitation and custody and.. and.. and.. Commitment isn't just 'sure, I'll stick around a while'. It's being there, even if you don't want to be, because you said you would. It's a promise. And who wants to be a promise breaker?? Not me.

I've been married 9 years today. This 9th year has probably been the hardest one we've had. But it was SO worth it. And I look forward to looking back on it and calling it 'one of the best' not 'one of the worst'. Sure, it had some of the hardest moments in my life.. those moments where you know EXACTLY how important that person is. You see exactly how much you NEED that person. And you feel exactly how much that person MEANS to you. When you're faced with losing the most valuable and important person in you life, it's a real wake-up call. All of a sudden, you don't take anything for granted anymore. You stop 'sweating the small stuff' and you treasure EVERY happy moment.

When the going gets tough, the tough stick around. We are tough, we showed just how tough we are this year. The day my husband told me about his affair, I though that everything I had KNOWN, everything I depended on, everything I held dear, had been thrown out the window. I thought 'Who is this person? Do I even know him at all?' But I do. I refused to believe that that was who he was. I KNEW it wasn't. And it isn't. I had always believed that my marriage was rock solid. It could stand any test. We were solidly unified and greatly blessed with a strong loving marriage. Enter the 'other woman'. I thought 'Me?? How could this happen to me? To US??? This is not my marriage.. surely this couldn't happen to US.' But it did. It truly shook my belief in the strength of my marriage. It made me question everything about US. But you know what? You know who was right in the end? I was. We are that strong. We did stand the test. I told him 'Our love is stronger than this. We are stronger than this. I won't give up on you.' And I didn't.

I love my husband. I trust him. I have faith in him, our marriage, and most of all in God. God is the center of our marriage and always has been. Had it not been for that, we may not have been able to survive the past 6 months. I don't think I would have wanted to.

~Happy anniversary, J, I love you.

Because he is the one that makes me feel worthwhile. Because he makes me feel beautiful and special. Because he once made me believe it. Because he can make me believe it again. Because he takes care of me. Because he always wants what's best for me. Because he knows all about me, and still wants me around. Because he is my defender. Because he is my provider. Because he is my lover. Because he is my best friend.

He is my husband.

My Husband Brings Me Flowers

My husband brings me flowers
I look at them and see
The pain that he has caused me
I know love isn't free

He says that he is sorry
for things that he has done
I know he sees me hurting
But evil has not won

I will keep my lover
I will keep my friend
We can make this better
It is not the end

My husband brings me flowers
The beauty it surrounds me
His arms so strong and loving
Gently now protecting.

Yeah.. another 'woe is me post'.. but that's ok, because it's 'where I am'.

To my family, right now, I feel like a piece of gum stuck on their shoe. You know how it is.. You step on a piece of gum. Then each step you take takes a little more effort. Your shoe sticks to the floor or the ground. You try to wipe it off, pick it off, scrape it off with a stick. It doesn't really work though, because there's always that little bit left. It's still sticky, it still bugs you. And the more you pick and pull at it, the bigger mess it becomes. Over time, other dirt and stuff sticks to it and you notice it less. But still, it bothers you and you choose to wear other shoes to avoid the sticky ones. No matter what you do, there's always that sticky spot that bugs you. It may get easier to walk in the shoes, but you can still feel them stick a little.. through the dirt and dust and grass that has been smooshed into the gum. It's too bad those were your favorite shoes.

I don't know if it's simply the effects of things that have happened to me in my life or if it would have been any different had I had a 'normal' childhood.. but I feel like the biggest disappointment of my parents' life. I know that I have not turned out how they would have liked. It seems that every step along the way, I've chosen a different path than what they hoped I would choose. Some of the things that I've done that were disappointing to them were also disappointing to me. And, yeah, I don't want to 'make excuses for my bad choices' but I do know that I might not have done some of those things had things gone differently for me when I was younger.

Still, I'm happy with who I am. That may sound so contrary to what I say most of the time.. but deep down, I am happy with who I am. Why? Because I know that God made me who I am for a reason. I know that I have things to offer and I know that every experience I've had in my life - no matter how bad or good or traumatic or stupid - has in some way shaped who I am today. Deep inside me there is someone who loves and accepts me. Someone who is content, someone thankful for all the adversities I've faced, who recognizes the growth that came from them. She peeks out now and then.. I know she's in there because there was a time (not so long ago) that I found her. I clung desperately to her and learned a lot from her. What happened to her? She got bitch-slapped by a cheating husband. She ran and hid, humiliated and embarrassed. Who am I to say that I am a good person? Who am I to say that I am a good wife? Who am I to say that I'm a good mother? Suddenly all my flaws became painfully obvious once again. Suddenly I was immobilized and incapable of functioning.. at a time when I felt that I couldn't afford to be anything less than 'perfect'. (Yes, I know that I can never be PERFECT, but I can certainly be better than this.. I know because I have been.) The combination of the pressure to perform and overwhelming sense of inadequacy has made me want to just give up.

Suicidal? Yes. Often. It can be a daily struggle for me. Last Sunday, the main thing that kept me from driving off a bridge was the fact that it was Father's day. Silly, huh? I just didn't want my family to remember that 'Mom killed herself on Father's day.' Nice. Hey, it kept me alive, didn't it? Honestly, I live in a pretty safe house. I just don't have the means. Sure, if I got to a point where I was truly determined enough to do it, I could find a way. But I'm a sissy.. thank goodness. Some days I find myself thinking.. 'Well, my baby only NEEDS me for a few more months.. then she can survive without me.' Yes, breastfeeding my infant has saved my life. Anyway, suicide is stupid. Long ago, I decided that was definitely not for me. As hard as it is to continue living sometimes, and as much as I don't want to, I trudge on. With gum on my shoe.